All this sadness?

this too shall pass

Things used to be amazing. Not anymore. I cannot find a trace of all that joy and easiness of spirit I once had. I was great company; am I anymore? Even to myself? Those were good days. I miss the days when I did not have to measure my words, and think over what I meant to say. I miss those moments when I was okay shouting at the top of my voice. Those times when my soul bubbled with excitement. Why do I now I look back, and perceive all that levity with this mixture of loathing and fascination. Loathing because my self-consciousness now allows me see the frivolity and immaturity; fascination because I was freest in those moments. I didn’t care so much about what people thought. I loved that smile of surprise, and that gaze of bewilderment and wonder they directed at me, a longing of kinds to share in my pleasure. They all looked so moved by the charisma.

It is not that do not miss the laughter, or the joking around, or even the shouting. I sure loved it while it lasted. Why did it have to end so soon? When it seemed so perfect. I now feel terrible that I have denied you my contribution of the warmth, and withheld my share of all the laughter we used to have together. I didn’t mean to withdraw my log. I know the fire is still burning alright, but it is unsettling to think I have no part in it. I have become now as the worker bee who doesn’t return to the hive with his share of the nectar. I know there will be honey, sadly however, not all there could be.

Life has a way of dealing its hand on us, the trouble is when we do not take it well. The circumstances have come to prove me, but why am I flailing so terribly, and failing as it were. I thought I had the stamina to handle it well, but here I am struggling to keep my sanity. I have looked into the abyss, that eerie and terrifying pit, and it’s frightening to think that it has also looked into me. Now while people look into my eyes, I see my sadness reflected in theirs. I have become as a shattered glass, but those who are trying to clean up the mess are getting themselves cut as well; it’s becoming all too bloody. Who broke the bubble? Who broke the glass? I fear that it is I who did. Who will I blame if not myself? I have perverted my own way, and my folly has brought me to ruin, why is it that I now complain against the Lord, and rage against you my God. Oh God! Forgive me for this little tantrum. I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can thwarted.

I stretched my hand and pierced the bubble, yet now I am realizing, I was not the only one in the bubble. As I was happy, many other people were as well. Because I had joy, many others did as well. Now they look into my eyes, and they are confused about what they should really feel, what emotions they should express. They want to empathize with my plight, and they stretch their hand to take hold of this straw that is drifting away, but the currents seem to be moving it farther away, and out of reach. Lord, why does my own sadness have to cause all this sadness in other people’s lives? I thought my hurt was mine alone; why is it that I now feel responsible for them looking so crestfallen? I want to be able to bring joy into my environment again. I want to give my share of the warmth and the fire, I want to bring in my share of the nectar; but I don’t know how. Nor do I know how to get myself out of this hole I have dug myself into. Why do I despise myself so much, why do I look with revulsion at what I was, and what I have become? For how long will I remain to be the prick that deflates other’s balloons. I yearn to look into their eyes and see hope, and gladness, and peace. Lord, help me find joy again. I know that all things work out for good, help me believe it. Shall I receive good from you, and shall I not receive evil. Help me accept both, and delight in one, and the other. Forgive my impertinence, and lead me back to that path of obedience, because as I have insisted to go my own way, so have I gotten myself more lost. I know I rejected your will, and turned away my face, but I now see my error. Don’t be so far away, my God. Even if things are not the kind of perfect I wanted them to be, I am now sure you have your plan. Teach me to see things like you do, and to find rest in your promises, which are yes in Christ Jesus. I want to have my laughter again. I long to have my friends again.

Will you help me Lord?

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I am not sure if everything is exactly alright with you, dearest friend, but however so, I am certain that you will be alright. Take heart in whatever you are going through. The darkness will lift, and joy will come. This too shall pass. And you will have your laughter back, and you will have your friends back.

Would you want to share this with someone?

The sunshine will come again
Your heart will rejoice again
You will be glad again
This too shall pass

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2 Corinthians 1:3–4

[3] Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, [4] who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (ESV)

Stay lit. Stay happy. Stay hopeful.